Pour Your Heart Out. I've done this more than a few times thanks to Shell's encouragement. I've written about things that are important to me. Things that I wish I could do. Things I wish I could change. The kind of parent I want to be. And they've all been from the heart. But this one I've been wanting to write for many months, and I've never had the courage. Or the strength. Or whatever it is that makes people REALLY Pour Their Heart Out. So here goes.
Most days, I just want to be someone else. I want to be tall and thin. I want to be able to wear a Size 6. I want to shop from the "normal" section of clothes. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath. Or walk around Disney World without feeling like I'm going to die. I want to be the person that turns people's heads when I walk in the room; not because I'm fat, but because I look "gorgeous".
But that doesn't happen. And it never will. Because I'm NOT a Size 6. And I never WILL be a Size 6. Hell, I'd settle for a 10 or 12. But again, I'm not. So instead, I'm the person that turns people's heads because they can't believe someone could be so fat. And not care. I think that's it. I think people think that fat people don't care that they're fat. Well guess what? That's not true. It's SOOO not true. I would give ANYTHING to be thinner. I WANT to be thinner. But I'm not. I want to LOSE weight instead of gaining it just by looking at a Reese Cup. But that doesn't happen. I've always been overweight. I don't remember a time when I wasn't. And THAT'S depressing. I have no energy. I'm lazy. I have no self-esteem. And I think I DO have some depression because of my weight.
But I don't know how to change it. I mean, I KNOW how to change it. But I need to lose A LOT of weight. Like a WHOLE person. Do you KNOW how daunting that is? I could walk or do the elliptical and watch what I eat, and still, it would probably take me 5-10 years to look "normal." And I'm 41, almost 42. That means, if I start working hard now, I won't look "normal" until I'm 50. FIFTY!! So why bother? I start exercise and diet programs, and they last for like 5 or 6 weeks, in which time I'm lucky if I've lost 5 pounds. So I give up. I walk and watch what I eat, and it doesn't do me any good, so why continue? Don't laugh or judge me, but I've even tried diet pills and hypnosis. But none of it works. So why bother?
Why? Because I NEED to be healthier. I NEED to set a good example for my kids. I don't want my kids to be overweight. I don't want them to have the issues I've had all my life. I don't want them to be judged as a bad person because of how they look. I don't want them to think people are always staring at them because they're fat. That's not fair to them. They're AMAZING people, and other people need to know that.
And maybe that's part of my problem too. *I* think I'm a good person. I care about people; I TRY not to be judgmental; I'm friendly; easy to talk to; a good listener; I typically give pretty good advice; I'm a good friend. But I don't think people take the opportunity to see those things in me, because they can't see past the outside. All they see is how I look. They don't take the time to get to know ME.
And I DON'T want that for my kids. They DESERVE better. Hell, *I* deserve better. But I don't know how to change it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change my mindset so that I'll start exercising every day. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT. But I wish I did. I don't WANT to be fat. And anyone that thinks I do, is SO wrong.
Don't you think I'd like to be able to wear a swimsuit at the pool or the lake and not feel like I need to have my cover up on whenever I'm out of the water? Or that I need to have a swimsuit that is shorts or a skirt so that it hides the top of my legs? Don't you think I'd like to go out with my friends and not be the biggest person in the group? Or feel comfortable enough that I could dress "sexy" (for a 40 year old anyway), when I go out with my husband? Don't you think I WANT those things?
I'm SO tired of being FAT. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of everyone staring at me. I'm tired of people judging me as a bad person because of my looks. I'm tired of thinking I embarrass my kids because they have a fat mom. And I'm tired of hating myself every day because I don't have the strength to change it. I'M JUST SO TIRED.