Thursday, March 29, 2012

PYHO: Arguing In Front Of The Kids . .

I had a complete Mom Fail a couple of weeks ago.  We went to a surprise birthday party for my FIL at my SIL's house.  She has cats.  THREE of them.  And I am allergic to cats.  EXTREMELY allergic.  So after being there for a couple of hours, I was SO ready to leave.  I was starting to get a migraine from all of the sniffing and sneezing.  

Some friends of ours were supposed to come meet us at the party.  UofL was playing basketball for the Big East Tournament, so they knew they wanted to watch the game.  They called us to see if we wanted to stay at my SIL's and watch it or if we wanted to meet them somewhere.  But Ryan said, "they want to know if we want to meet them to watch the game."  The way he said it made me think they'd already talked about it and that that was what he wanted to do.  And since I'd had enough of the cats, I was MORE than ready to leave.  So I told him we'd meet them.  What he DIDN'T tell me, was that he wanted to stay THERE and watch the game. 

He kept trying to hurry us out of there, but Andrew wanted to wait until they cut the cake so that he could have a piece.  By the time we left, Ryan was ticked off because we were going to miss the start of the game, and I was ticked off because he kept snapping at me.  So we get in the car and we just started arguing and yelling at each other.  Mind you, we were BOTH wrong.  But neither one of us wanted to admit it.  So we just kept yelling at each other.  Finally, Andrew starts crying in the backseat because he's never seen us yell at each other like that. 

I felt like such a bad Mom.  I think it's okay for kids to see you argue with each other, and then see you make up, but we really went too far.  We both explained to him that everything was okay and that we were just upset and it had nothing to do with him.  I also told him that just because Mommy and Daddy argue doesn't mean they don't love each other.  I pointed out that he gets mad at me sometimes, and does he stop loving me?  He said no.  (Thankfully).  So I told him it was the same thing.  We still love each other, VERY MUCH, but we were just having a bad night. 

But still, I wish it hadn't happened.  And it SHOULDN'T have happened.  If we'd both been honest in the first place, and/or admitted that we were both wrong, then it never WOULD have happened.  But it did, and now there's nothing we can do about it, except act like grownups and try not to let it happen again.

Do you ever argue in front of your kids?  Do you think it's a bad thing to do?  What do you say to your kids when they see you arguing? 

Pouring My Heart Out today thanks to Shell.


Katrina said...

Ugh. Been there, done that. It never feels good to lose it in front of the kids. But I think it's more important for kids to see their parents argue and then make up...than to never see them argue at all. My husband and I are always bumping heads, and while we don't have all-out yelling and screaming matches, we do bicker a lot. We argue. We fight. We sometimes ignore each other for an hour or two until we cool off. My kids all witness this and know that we will make up soon...because always do. And they see this, and they learn...that in marriage you might argue, you might fight, you might even raise your voices now and then in anger toward each other..but that does not mean it's the end of the marriage. It does not mean that divorce is on the horizon. It does not mean that you give up, go out and party with your friends. It does not mean that you are with the "wrong" one and need to end it and start over looking for the "right" one. It only means that you get on each other's nerves now and then, or that you disagree now and then, or that you lose your temper now and then. And then you cool off, and you make up. I explain to my older kids that LOVE is not always a feeling, but a choice. You might not always feel "in love" especially while you are arguing, but you choose to love during the bad times, during the fights and arguments, because that's what marriage is. So, I really do think it's healthy for kids to see their parents argue and bicker and then make-up. I think it prepares them for real marriage. If we all thought we were supposed to get along just like Mr. and Mrs. Brady on the Brady Bunch...I think we'd all feel like failures. Better to know the TRUTH, LOL.

Shell said...

Mine have seen us when we are not happy with us, but haven't really seen out and out fighting.

I think it's okay for them to see some of it though- to learn that just b/c mom and dad sometimes get upset with each other, they can still work through it and be together.

Adrienne said...

Been there too. It's the worst feeling. I'm sorry! You can't turn back the clock and do-over, but its also so important that they see us make up too. At least they have gotten that!

Mayet said...

I try not to argue with hubby in front of the gals.but of course there are times that this can't be avoided. I don't try to explain to my gals anything, for now...;)