To go along with my New Years Goal of writing more often, I've decided to follow some other blogs and write about their suggestions. Shell at Things I Can't Say has Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays. I've read some amazing stories on there.
I would love to pour my heart out. My problem is, I feel like I have to censor everything I say because I am not "anonymous." If I was, I could really talk about what I want to without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings, or making anyone mad, or having someone laugh at me and tell me I'm stupid. But I don't have that option. Because I'm not anonymous.
If I was, I could tell you about the fight between 2 people I care about, and how it's tearing me up inside. I could tell you how I'm so disappointed in C because she has chosen to get in the middle of this fight, even though she doesn't belong there. In the process she has hurt B, who has done some amazing things for her over the years. But I guess none of that's important now. Because A is the side she's "chosen" and B can just pretty much to go Hell and take her money and time and shoulder to cry on with her. I could tell you how I've "chosen" to be on B's side, but I still love A and would never intentionally do anything to hurt her or make her mad.
I could also tell you that I'm wondering why *I* have to be the bigger person, when no one else does. I could tell you that I'm wondering if any of them ever really loved me if they let a fight with someone else, get in the way of spending time with me, or calling me, or checking on me to see how I'm doing. I could tell you that I'm being just as selfish because I don't make the effort anymore either. I was told by B to stay out of it and not treat A any differently because it wasn't my fight. And she's right. It's not. So I did stay out of it. Or at least I tried to, until I found out that it's not just A and B's fight anymore. Now it seems the rest of the peanut gallery is getting involved in it too. So if they are, then why can't I? Does that make me sound petty? Probably. Does that make me selfish? Probably. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe.
But you see, I can't tell you those things, because everyone knows who I am. And now everyone knows that I am petty, selfish and a bad person.
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4 comments:
Too bad you can't say those things. ;)
And I HATE being the bigger person. For just once, I want to be the petty one.
You don't sound "petty, selfish, and bad" - You sound hurt, tired and offended. It sounds like your friends are acting like childish and are refusing to leave other people out of their disagreements and are instead firing randomly and leaving collateral damage all over town. Or at least all over your particular side of town.
I think we've all had those times where 2 people we love are arguing and want us to take sides instead of allowing us the freedom to love both of them like we always have. I always tell those around me who are acting like this that "I am Switzerland and so is my home".
You're being the bigger person - even if that's not much consolation right now. Hugs!
I can relate to being in the middle of two at odds. It's a tough spot to be in. I can also relate to the anon wishes. My blog is not really anonymous. Although, I don't really advertise it, and try to keep it on the down low, some IRL friends have found it. I didn.'t start out anon, and didn't realize I would even want such a thing. But, I found that even though IRL people may read it, I'm still not going to totally censor. It's my space. I try to remember that if I wouldn't say it to them in person, than perhaps I shouldn't say it. That post I wrote on Wednesday was hard, b/c my sis might have read it. But I realized I was ok with her knowing my feelings if she did. I was happy for her! Just not happy for me. She would get that. I think anyway...haha!
It is nice to have some freedom. I hope you find a way to write what you want! :)
Everyone is entitled to their feelings. This is hard because even the people that hurt you are also entitled to theirs. You can always be open and say whatever is on your heart but then you have to take into consideration the other people's hearts you are impacting with your honesty.
I know those feelings all too well. My entire family reads everything I write as though they are just waiting for me to slip up. Some have been in an odd fear of me ever writing our history so they are nosy. Plus my Mother in Law is insane and I think she stalks me. lol. But you know... I write. My blog is where I "let go". I don't feel like telling everyone all the awful drama's going on in my life but I find ways to express my feelings anyway. I become metaphoric or write poetry or write about /my/ feelings on a situation and not the actual situation. ah ha! Tricky! No one can discount your feelings. =) And who knows, maybe someone will read it and say, "I had no idea it came across like that. I had no idea those other people thought that way." Or they could say, "Holy crap we look like idiots and it's all across the web now!" =D
No matter what though, your heart is your heart. Don't let the world stifle your ability to write, to release. You didn't create the situations in the world around you, they just are and they will be on or off the page regardless.
Breathe.
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