Thanks for the heartfelt and honest opinions from everyone that responded to my last post about Andrew. If you didn't see it the first time, you can read it HERE.
After many months of worrying about him and trying to decide what to do, I finally went to talk to the AP at school today. I like her. I feel comfortable talking to her. And I trust her to do what she thinks is right for Andrew. I told her about my concerns and that I feel as though I'm not helping him. I have a Psychology Degree. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HELP HIM. But I can't. And I think it's because I'm too close to the situation. I think it's because he's MY son and I can't be objective. I think it's because I'm too worried about changing the person that he is inside, and I DON'T want to do that. I LOVE the person that he is. I ADORE him. But it also breaks my heart to see him so concerned about what other people think of him. It breaks my heart to hear him talk about how everyone is so much better, smarter, athletic, funnier, than him. It makes me cry every time I think about him not seeing the good things in himself and realizing what an amazing person he is. It keeps me up at night when he's going through his stage of worrying about someone dying, which happens about every 5-6 weeks. I don't want to CHANGE who he is, but I also can't stand to keep seeing him in so much pain. So SOMETHING has to change. SOMEONE has to be able to help him. And it's obviously not me. And that tears me up more than you'll ever know.
So I finally went to someone else for help. Something I probably should have done months ago. But I guess better late than never, right?! She understand where I'm coming from. She agrees that we don't want to change who he is, but we need to address what's causing all of the negativity. I know he's not telling me everything. I know there's more going on than I know. But I don't know WHAT that is. So she is going to talk to the counselors at school, the school psychologist, and also his teacher, to see if we can come up with a plan to help him. To see if we can find a way to boost his self esteem. To make him realize what an incredible little boy he is. And at the same time, NOT change who he is deep inside.
Because THAT person? That person is AMAZING. And THAT person deserves to KNOW that he's amazing. And that person, needs to feel pride in who he is. No matter what happens, I know he will always be compassionate and caring, and that's only part of what makes him so special. But THAT person, needs to have pride in himself. THAT PERSON needs to love himself. And right now, I don't think he does. Even though he's only 10. And that makes me feel like somewhere, I'VE done something wrong. So now it's time to change that. Now it's time to stop worrying about what I've done wrong, and start working on what's the best way to help him. Because he DESERVES to be happy. He deserves to love himself and see all of the amazing things that *I* see in him. He deserves not to question everything he does and says. He deserves to know that people love him, and that the only one comparing him to others, is him. He DESERVES that. And not just because he's my child. But because EVERY CHILD deserves to feel that way. ESPECIALLY MY CHILD. ;)