Day 7 . . .

Day 7:  What Do You Want To Do When You Grow Up?

Well, since I'm ALREADY a grown up, physically anyway, I guess I'll answer it a little differently.

I'm a Realtor.  And I LOVE being a Realtor.  

But I think my dream job would be either to be a Child and Family Counselor or to be a CSI.  I love watching all the shows that show how they figure things out.  Collecting evidence.  Doing research.  I'm sure it's more boring than it sounds, but it sounds like a cool job to me.

My degree is in Psychology and I've always been drawn to that, so I think I would LOVE the Child and Family Counselor.  I like listening to other people's problems and trying to help them come up with a solution.  I like being the 3rd party that isn't in the mix, so I can look at things more objectively.  I just LOVE the counseling aspect.  If I could afford to go back to school, I would definitely go back for Psychology and Counseling.

Day 7:

Day 7:  Favorite Movie

Another easy one.  My favorite movie of ALL TIME, is The Sound Of Music.  Please don't judge me!  I remember watching it every Thanksgiving when I was a kid.  I LOVE that movie.  I mean LOVE it.  I watch it every time it comes on television.  I also have it on Videotape, DVD, and Blue Ray.  I listen to the CD in the car.  I LOVE it.  Again, please don't judge me!

Whew!  Finally caught up.  *wiping brow*

Day 6:

Day 6:  Favorite Drink

That's the easiest one.  Diet Coke.  I LOVE Diet Coke.  I drink it ALL. THE. TIME.  I probably drink 2-2 liters a day.  Yes, I know it's too much.  Please don't lecture me.  :)

Day 5:

Day 5:  Favorite Place

That's easy.  Las Vegas.  I LOVE Vegas.  I mean LOVE it!  The bright lights.  The people watching.  The food.  The shows.  And yes, the GAMBLING!  I LOVE Roulette.  It's my favorite game.  I could play it for hours and hours.  And I have!  :) 

I love Disney too, but it's always so crowded and hot.  So that's why it's 2nd on my list.  But I love the rides, the shows, the characters.  Disney ROCKS!

I always say if I win the Lottery I will take TWO vacations every year.  One to Las Vegas WITHOUT the kids.  And one to Disney WITH the kids!  :)

Day 4:

Day 4:  What You Want To Do Before You Die

I've wanted to go to Australia for as long as I remember.  Since I was a little kid actually.  I'm not sure why, I've just been fascinated with it.  I used to collect koala bears.  I loved reading about and watching shows on it.  I honestly don't know why though.  I guess when I was little I just saw something on it, and I was hooked.  So that's DEFINITELY one thing I would like to do before I die. 

Catching Up: Day 3:

I was at the lake for a few days and internet on my phone is very sporadic, so now that I'm back in town, I need to catch up.  :)

Day 3:  Favorite TV Show

Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE TV!  Probably too much.  I watch A LOT of TV.  I can't stand silence, so I ALWAYS have it on in the background.  When I'm working, when I'm cleaning, when I'm cooking.  You get the picture.  It's ALWAYS on.  

So I like a lot of different shows.  But I would say I have TWO favorites.  

Criminal Minds and Big Bang Theory

I have seen every episode.  Of both shows.  And I still watch all of the reruns.  I think it's funny that my 2 favorites are SO different from each other!  I'm sure that means something, but I'm not going to psychoanalyze it, because I probably don't WANT to know what it means!  :)

Blog Challenge Day 2 . . .

Day 2 is My Favorite Food

Well OBVIOUSLY I like food!  :(

I don't really have a FAVORITE though.  But Mexican is my favorite TYPE of food.  I could eat Mexican food pretty much every day of the week.

Imagine what it was like trying to get MEXICAN food while living in CHINA!  :)

That was a treat!  

PYHO: Can A Boy Be TOO Sensitive?

I have an AMAZING little boy.  I actually have 2 boys and 1 girl, and they're all great.  And I love them dearly.  But Andrew, my 10 year old, is a little different.  He's very sensitive.  About EVERYTHING.  My husband and I "clash" sometimes because he thinks he's TOO sensitive.  He says he needs to "man" up and get some back bone.  I think there's no such thing as TOO sensitive.  I think he's only 10, and he'll grow up fast enough, so there's nothing wrong with him being sensitive at this age.  I WANT him to stay sensitive.  I think he'll make a great boyfriend/husband one day BECAUSE of his sensitivity.  (Mind you, I'm thinking MANY, MANY YEARS from now.  He is only 10 after all). ;)

But I still worry about him.  What if hubby is right?  What if he IS too sensitive?  He has VERY little self-esteem.  He's constantly worrying about what other people think of him.  He gets his feelings hurt VERY easily.  Sometimes I feel like I have to censor what I say to him because I don't know how he's going to take it, and I don't want to upset him.  So in that respect, maybe he IS too sensitive.  But that's his nature.  It's his personality.  It's a part of who he is, and I don't want to change who he is, because he is SO special.  But I still worry.  He's the one I think will get bullied.  He HAS been bullied on the bus, and I had to go to the school counselor to help handle the situation.  And he did.  But he can't always be there for him.  Next year, he moves on to middle school.  Next year kids are going to be even meaner.  And crueler.  And looking for someone they can pick on.  And he's an easy target because he wears his heart on his sleeve.  If you say something to upset him, you can see it on his face immediately.  And bullies will jump on that.  I've tried telling him to act like it doesn't bother him, but he's not very good at it.  And who can blame him?  I'm not good at it either and I'm 42.  How can I expect HIM to be good at it when he's only 10?  

You see, I GET my son.  I KNOW what he's thinking and how he's feeling, because I've BEEN there.  I was just like him.  Hell, I'm STILL just like him.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I get my feelings hurt VERY easily.  I shut down when I'm hurt or upset.  I second guess everything I do and say to other people.  I analyze the things people say to me and wonder what they REALLY meant.  I assume people are talking about me.  And don't like me.  I assume people would rather be with anyone BUT me.  So yeah, I GET him.  I KNOW where he's coming from.  

But I still wonder - is there such a thing as TOO sensitive?  Is it different for a boy?  And if so, how do you change that?  How do you help them get a thicker skin?  What would you do if it was YOUR kid?  I really need to know.  Because I DON'T know what to do.  And I HATE seeing my "baby" doubt himself and be in pain all of the time.  So how do I help him?  CAN I help him?

My Special Little Boy

 

Follow Friday: Four Fill-In Fun . . . (Try saying THAT 3 times)! . . .

Trying a new Blog Hop today.  It's called Four Fill-In Fun.  Each Friday Hilary at Feeling Beachie gives you four statements with blanks left in them.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to fill them in.  Here are the statements:

1.       I always forget___

2.       I never __without___

3.      Recently I started to _____, and it has helped tremendously!

4.      If I had to find a date, the last place I would look for one is _______.

So here are my fill-ins:

1.  I always forget EVERYTHING!

2. I never start my day without a diet Coke.

3. Recently I started to wear a C-PAP machine for my Sleep Apnea, and it has helped tremendously!

4. If I had to find a date, the last place I would look for one is outside a divorce attorney's office. 

Bad Mom Day . . .

Am I the only one that has Bad Mom Days?  Yesterday was one of those days for me.  I LOVE my kids dearly.  They are my world!  But yesterday, Sarah Beth was in a mood, and I'm afraid I didn't handle it very well.  She whined and cried about almost everything.  And I had my limit.  By the time the day was over, I was SO ready for her to go to bed.  IN HER OWN BED.  I couldn't stand the thought of listening to her whine and cry ONE MORE TIME.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that has those days.  Does that make me a bad mom?  Or does it just make me normal?

Funniest Blogger In All The Land . . .

Leigh over at Leigh vs. Laundry has something that she calls Freakshow Friday.  On Fridays she posts an outrageous looking picture, and you're supposed to come up with the best "tagline" for it.  Well lucky me, I won last week's Freakshow Friday.  So that means I'm the Funniest Blogger In All The Land.  

At least until next week! 

 (Click the button above to see the picture and my winning answer). 

PYHO: Wishing I Was Someone Else . . .

Pour Your Heart Out.  I've done this more than a few times thanks to Shell's encouragement.  I've written about things that are important to me.  Things that I wish I could do.  Things I wish I could change.  The kind of parent I want to be.  And they've all been from the heart.   But this one I've been wanting to write for many months, and I've never had the courage.  Or the strength.  Or whatever it is that makes people REALLY Pour Their Heart Out.  So here goes.

Most days, I just want to be someone else.  I want to be tall and thin.  I want to be able to wear a Size 6.  I want to shop from the "normal" section of clothes.  I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath.  Or walk around Disney World without feeling like I'm going to die.  I want to be the person that turns people's heads when I walk in the room; not because I'm fat, but because I look "gorgeous". 

But that doesn't happen.  And it never will.  Because I'm NOT a Size 6.  And I never WILL be a Size 6.  Hell, I'd settle for a 10 or 12.  But again, I'm not.  So instead, I'm the person that turns people's heads because they can't believe someone could be so fat.  And not care.  I think that's it.  I think people think that fat people don't care that they're fat.  Well guess what?  That's not true.  It's SOOO not true.  I would give ANYTHING to be thinner.  I WANT to be thinner.  But I'm not.  I want to LOSE weight instead of gaining it just by looking at a Reese Cup.  But that doesn't happen.  I've always been overweight.  I don't remember a time when I wasn't.  And THAT'S depressing.  I have no energy.  I'm lazy.  I have no self-esteem.  And I think I DO have some depression because of my weight. 

But I don't know how to change it.  I mean, I KNOW how to change it.  But I need to lose A LOT of weight.  Like a WHOLE person.  Do you KNOW how daunting that is?  I could walk or do the elliptical and watch what I eat, and still, it would probably take me 5-10 years to look "normal."  And I'm 41, almost 42.  That means, if I start working hard now, I won't look "normal" until I'm 50.  FIFTY!!  So why bother?  I start exercise and diet programs, and they last for like 5 or 6 weeks, in which time I'm lucky if I've lost 5 pounds.  So I give up.  I walk and watch what I eat, and it doesn't do me any good, so why continue?  Don't laugh or judge me, but I've even tried diet pills and hypnosis.  But none of it works.  So why bother?

Why?  Because I NEED to be healthier.  I NEED to set a good example for my kids.  I don't want my kids to be overweight.  I don't want them to have the issues I've had all my life.  I don't want them to be judged as a bad person because of how they look.  I don't want them to think people are always staring at them because they're fat.  That's not fair to them.  They're AMAZING people, and other people need to know that. 

And maybe that's part of my problem too.  *I* think I'm a good person.  I care about people; I TRY not to be judgmental; I'm friendly; easy to talk to; a good listener; I typically give pretty good advice; I'm a good friend.  But I don't think people take the opportunity to see those things in me, because they can't see past the outside.  All they see is how I look.  They don't take the time to get to know ME. 

And I DON'T want that for my kids.  They DESERVE better.  Hell, *I* deserve better. But I don't know how to change it.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to change my mindset so that I'll start exercising every day.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.  But I wish I did.  I don't WANT to be fat.  And anyone that thinks I do, is SO wrong.  

Don't you think I'd like to be able to wear a swimsuit at the pool or the lake and not feel like I need to have my cover up on whenever I'm out of the water?  Or that I need to have a swimsuit that is shorts or a skirt so that it hides the top of my legs?  Don't you think I'd like to go out with my friends and not be the biggest person in the group?  Or feel comfortable enough that I could dress "sexy" (for a 40 year old anyway), when I go out with my husband?  Don't you think I WANT those things?

I'm SO tired of being FAT.  I'm tired of being tired all the time.  I'm tired of everyone staring at me.  I'm tired of people judging me as a bad person because of my looks.  I'm tired of thinking I embarrass my kids because they have a fat mom.  And I'm tired of hating myself every day because I don't have the strength to change it.  I'M JUST SO TIRED.

PYHO: WHO I AM . . .

Do you ever feel like people have a TOTALLY different view of you than you do of yourself?  I feel that way almost all the time.

For example, my Mom thinks I am this person that has lots of self-confidence.  Really?  I have NO self-confidence.  I'm constantly worrying about what people are thinking or saying about me.  Did I say the wrong thing?  Should I have said something different?  Should I have not said anything at all?  ME?  Self-Confident?  PLEASE.  I wish!

My husband actually thinks I'm pretty.  No, he REALLY does.  How goofy is that?  I guess he must truly be blinded by love.  I think I have pretty eyes.  That's about it.  But I'm extremely overweight, my face still breaks out, my hair has to be washed every day so it's not oily, I have short and stubby toes and fingers, and poker straight hair.  Pretty?  Not hardly.  But honestly, I really think he thinks that.  Don't know why, but he does. 

My friends think I'm one of the nicest people they know.  No, seriously, a few of them have actually told me that.  I have one friend that tells me she loved me right away because I'm kind, friendly, welcoming, and wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone.  They say I'm easy to talk to, a good listener, give good advice, and I'm someone they can trust.  

How do my KIDS see me?  Well I guess that depends on the day.  Some days they think I'm the greatest Mom ever and they couldn't live without me.  Other days?  I'm the meanest Mom on earth and they wish I was richer, prettier, nicer, and more lenient.

People are always telling me that I'm a great mother, a great wife, and a wonderful friend.  

Put all those things together, and I think people see me like this:

Now, what am I REALLY like?

Well let's see.  I have NO self-confidence.  NONE.  ZIP.  ZERO.  ZILCH.  

I'm lazy, unorganized, un-pretty, nice enough, but definitely not the nicest person you'll ever meet.

I'm an okay Mom.  I LOVE my kids.  DEARLY.  But I'm not the kind of Mom that makes things and does everything from scratch and spends 24 hours a day tending to their every wish and demand.  

I'm a terrible housekeeper, (just ask my hubby), I HATE doing laundry, I don't really have any hobbies except maybe reading, watching TV, and hanging out with my family and my friends. 

I'm judgmental, I hold grudges, I don't volunteer at my kids' schools as much as I should, I'm a procrastinator.  (I mean, I'm writing this post a day late.  What does THAT tell you)?!

So yeah, MY opinion of me?  TOTALLY different than what other people think.  I WISH I was the type of person people think I am.  Instead, I'm more like this:

How about you?  Do YOU think you're the same person that OTHER people think you are?

WISHING I COULD BE HONEST . . .

Sometimes I wish no one knew about my blog.  Why?  Because many times I've started a post and not finished it because I'm worried about who's going to read it and if I am going to hurt someone's feelings.  If no one KNEW about it, then I could write to my heart's content, and not worry about someone getting offended, or holding something I've said against me, or thinking I'm a bad person for feeling a certain way.  

I mean, they're MY FEELINGS.  Not yours or anyone else's.  Just because you don't agree with them, doesn't make them wrong.  And it doesn't mean I should FEEL bad for feeling that way. 

You see, if no one that knows me read my blog, then I could FINISH a lot of the posts that I've started.  I've started some about my hubby, my kids, my family, my in-laws, my friends.  Not mean and nasty, mind you, I'm not really a mean and nasty kind of person, but HONEST posts about getting my feelings hurt, or getting upset, or feeling inadequate.  THOSE kind of posts.  The kind of posts that other people CAN write about, because no one really knows them.  I want to be THAT person. 

SLEEP STUDY . . .

For as long as I can remember, I've always been tired.  Like, can't keep my eyes open, fall asleep at the wheel, tired.  T-I-R-E-D.  And I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was.  We checked my thyroid, fine.  Iron level, fine.  BP, fine.  Blood sugar, fine.  Everything is fine.  But I'M not.  I KNOW there's something wrong.  Yeah, I'm overweight, but not everything is weight related.  I have no energy.  NONE.  ZERO.  ZILCH.  ZIP.  You get the point?  NO ENERGY!

Finally my doctor suggested I go have a Sleep Apnea test.  She actually suggested it a few years ago, but it was right before we moved to China so I told her I'd do it when we got back.  But of course, I put it off.  But after seeing her about some other things a few weeks ago, she told me again to have the study.  She was 100% convinced that I have Sleep Apnea.

They scheduled the consultation and I went in to meet with the doctor.  A few people were skeptical.  'Of course you have sleep apnea, everybody has it.'  'I've never known anyone to go in for the test and NOT have it.'  Statements like that were very frustrating.  So I got a little discouraged.  But I still kept my appointment and I went in to see the doctor.  And I told him the things I was hearing.  He said that's not true, not EVERYONE that comes in has it, but that I needed to keep in mind that they weren't just pulling people off the street and having them tested.  If you go in, you are there for a REASON.  Or maybe lots of them.  People are sent there by their doctors because they have morning headaches, or they're tired all the time, or they fall asleep at the wheel.  They don't just send every patient they have.  True.  So after the consultation, he decided to schedule a sleep test because he was pretty convinced that I have Sleep Apnea.

I went in for the test on a Tuesday night.  You go in, and they hook you up to a TON of wires.  It took over an hour for her to completely hook me up to the probes. 

This is what they looked like before she started separating them

and putting them on me.

That's A LOT of wires!

All of them are intertwined.  I don't even know how many there were total.  But it was A LOT!

 

And they just keep coming!  

On the plus side?  

I got to sleep in the bed ALL BY MYSELF!

YIPPEEE!!!!!

As she was hooking me up she explained to me what everything was monitoring and how they measure the results.  Anything from 1-4 "episodes" an hour is not really a concern.  Anything 5-29 is a concern, and it's a diagnosable problem, but she's not allowed to tell me anything or do anything about it.  If I have 30 or more episodes an hour for 2 hours straight, then she will come in and wake me up.  It's considered severe - 6 times the diagnosable level, and she will put me on the C-PAP machine to use the rest of the night to see how well I sleep with it on. 

So after an hour of her hooking me up to the probes and explaining to me how the study works, I looked like this:

And this:

Last one:

Told you it was a lot of wires!  :)

Then I just laid down and fell asleep watching "Big Bang Theory".  LOVE that show!  :)  She came in at 1 and told me that I had 30 or more episodes for the first 2 hours so she was going to put me on the C-PAP machine for the rest of the night.  Some of my episodes were so close together that I wasn't getting oxygen for 1-2 minutes at a time.  And every time I stopped breathing, I woke up.  So I was waking up 30 times an hour.  Is it any wonder I was tired all the time?!

Because my case is severe, insurance will cover a lot of it.  I received my machine last week.  

This is what I now get to sleep with every night.  I look like Darth Vader!

I've only been using it for a couple of days, but I THINK I can tell a difference.  I'm sure I'll know within the next week or so whether it's working.  If so, and I continue to use it correctly, then insurance will purchase the machine instead of just renting it.  

At least now I know what my problem is.  (One of them anyway).  I hope it helps.  Everyone I talk to seems to think it will.  I hope they're right.  I'll keep you posted and let you know how I feel in a couple of week.  Wish me luck!  *crossing fingers*

I'M BACK!

It's been WAY too long since I've written. Maybe you've missed me, maybe you haven't.  But I've DEFINITELY missed you guys.  I've missed writing.  I've missed communicating.  It's my way of getting things out.  It's my therapy.  And believe me, I need some MAJOR therapy!  :)  

So much has happened since the last time I wrote anything, so I have A LOT to catch up on.  I'm going to try to get back to writing at least every other day.  I miss my therapy sessions.

So I'll be back.  But for now, I have to get my baby girl to school.  So I'll be back AGAIN, later today!

KIND OF SAD . . .

I just found out a few days ago that my favorite teacher from high school has cancer. How scary and sad for him. If you knew me well, you'd know that I HATED high school. There was very little that I liked about it. 1.) My best friend came from there. We've been friends since we were 13 years old. And NO, I'm not going to tell you how LONG we've been friends, because then you'll know just how old I really am! ;) 2.) Retreats. We went on retreats every year in high school. And those were very rewarding and refreshing, and they helped me to become a stronger person. 3.) This teacher. He's probably one of the best teachers I've ever had. I had him Sophomore and Senior year. One of the classes was US History. And I HATED US History. I'm sorry, but I just think it's boring. But somehow he made it seem interesting. I remember when the Challenger exploded and he told us that we have the last set of history books that will NOT have that in there. I'm not sure why that stuck out in my mind, but I think it just helped me realize that history changes every day and that's why we SHOULD be interested in where we came from and where we might be heading. I always looked forward to going to his class. It was always one of my favorites, believe it or not. He really knew how to get your attention and make you think that what you were studying was actually important. But more than that, he really seemed to care about his kids. I've had a lot of teachers in my life. And I've had some very good teachers, and some not so good ones. And one quality of the BEST teachers is that they CARE. And I really think he did.

He had cancer once before and it went away. But now it's back. And I'm sure it takes a toll on a family. Physically, mentally, financially. It breaks my heart to see such a great person going through such a great struggle. I hope, and I pray, that the cancer goes away for good this time. And I also hope he knows that he made a great impression on his students. Even one that hated high school and has very few good memories from those years. But his class was one of the bright spots for her in a place where there seemed to be very few.

PRK . . .

After 32 years of being in either glasses or contacts, that's all going to change today. Today I am having surgery on my eyes. I went in to talk about Lasik surgery, but of course I can never do things the easy way, so I'm not a candidate for Lasik. My eyes are too bad for them to do it. I have a slight astigmatism in both eyes and my right eye is -850 and my left is -650. So instead they have to do something called PRK. It still works the same way, but it's much less patient friendly and the recovery time is a lot longer. I can't drive for 5 days, and I will probably be in pain for those 5 days. Also, it'll take a little longer for my vision to get to 20/20 than it would with Lasik. But the doctor said right after the surgery I'll still be able to see well enough to get around and do things without my glasses or contacts. That'll be amazing, because right now I can't see two inches in front of my face without them.

Anyway, wish my luck! I'll post about the surgery sometime next week. I don't think I'll be on the computer much this weekend since I'm supposed to sleep and keep my eyes closed as much as possible.

FUNK . . .

I haven't been writing much lately. I've been kind of in a "funk" and can't figure out how to get out of it. Hopefully it'll get better when we get home. Actually, I'm SURE it will. I think I'm just SOOOO ready to go home, that it's bringing me down. The last few weeks have been pretty hard. All of my, OUR, friends are gone, either for the summer or for good, so there hasn't been much to do around here. Plus, it's either raining, or it's so hot we don't want to go outside. We've been watching a lot of movies; the kids are doing their Math every, well ALMOST every day; they have one set of friends that are still here, brothers, so they've been over here for a sleepover every week for the past few weeks. That's been nice because it gives them someone different to play with for a change.

But I'm still in a "funk." Hopefully it'll go away soon. It's getting old.

THE HARDEST PART . . .

I think the hardest part about being here is that I feel like I'm letting down my family and friends back home. My Mom's brother, my uncle, died . . . and I wasn't there. My best friend from high school got married . . . and I wasn't there. My best friend from college, her Dad got really sick and had surgery . . . and I wasn't there. Do you see a trend developing here?

I feel like I've missed so much, and wasn't there for so many things, this past year.